The Ham Smuggler: A Traveler’s Plan

Tomorrow I plan on smuggling Jamón ibérico into the United States and I hope I don’t get caught.

Yes, you read that right…I’m smuggling ham into the United States, not weed, hash, crack, coke, blue magic, not firearms, not blood diamonds. No nothing crazy like that. Just ham.

Only if you’ve ever been to Spain you know what I’m talking about isn’t just ham. No it’s something else. Another animal altogether, entirely different from anything you’ve had before and nothing that even remotely resembles that wet, floppy, school lunch meat you’re accustomed to calling ham.

In Spain, the pig is sacred and none more so than this prized ham with black hooves. The pigs who will one day grow up to be Jamón ibérico are lovingly allowed to roam the rustic and westerly Extremedura region of Spain while grazing on fallen acorns. Yes, to be ibérico, these rare pigs with black feet must come from a certain region, having enjoyed a certain acorn and enjoyed a certain breeze from the west. The end result? Out-of-this-world flavors and a marbly, salty, prosciuttoy, ham that is to die for…or at least in my case, worthy of possible TSA finger wagging and (gulp) plastic glove wearing.


This ham is so, so good…with a hypnotic, oily goodness. Delicious! Salty! So savory…you want to kiss it, nibble it, gulp it down whole, rub it on your face and savor the flavor for days to come. Fuck they make chips with this flavor! And if they made a cologne with the smell, it’d sell like wildfire.


How good is it? I’d commit crimes for it, I’d sell my grandmother, I’d listen to Clay Aiken for 10 hours, I’d…I’d. Well I don’t know what I’d do for this ham and that’s scary.

But tomorrow I’m bringing it to back home to Florida; hopefully I get through TSA security and don’t end up like these guys.

indonesia-arrests-2-malaysians-for-drug-smuggling-1st-ld-writethru-as-2010-5-9-9-0-0Ever smuggled a food product back home while traveling? Let’s hear it below or on Twitter @TAKEYATHERE


5 thoughts on “The Ham Smuggler: A Traveler’s Plan

  1. Yes! The ham got through but the trick was asking the store to put the sliced ham into the vacuum sealed bags. I ended up only bringing a little over two pounds in sliced pieces or “lonchas”.

  2. Pingback: USA or Bust! A Holiday Recap « Take Ya There

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